I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks here in Dallas writing this post and let me tell you, this post is as real-time as it gets. I’m just going to get to the point. I’ve been dealing with anxiety again lately. My stress is at an all-time high, I’m having trouble sleeping and my willingness to blog is tapering off. The sad part is that the inspiration is there, it’s just my physical energy that’s not matching it.
A few weeks ago, I talked about the impact of our choices. I was still so mad at myself for the choices I had made so this past weekend, I faced the problem within my family head on by seeking some advice from one of my closest friends. I knew she’d know about the topic at hand, explain it to me in layman’s terms from her knowledge and give it to me bluntly (just like I like it).
What I heard from her was definitely not what I wanted to hear. Nothing she said felt like it would give the situation my family and I are going to face, hope. Okay, maybe a small glimmer of hope because it’s not in my blood to give up. (That and I will always believe that everything is figureoutable.)
Anyway, I didn’t see it coming, but I broke down in front of my friend and had a mini meltdown. I ended up giving in. So, I opened up to her on what I was thinking and how I was feeling at the time.
Truthfully, I’m not happy and haven’t been happy in a very long time.
My happiness displayed to others in-person and on social media really are just snippets of my joy, brief moments of happiness, if you will. Then, a few minutes later, it all goes away. That’s why I haven’t been posting consistently here on the blog nor on my Instagram.
When I sat down and thought about it, I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I was truly happy for a period of time.
I’ve been logging onto Facebook a bit more these last few weeks and saw a lot of “On This Day” from years past. As I read old posts I had written and looked at old photos, I thought, “What happened to you, Huong? Where’s the positive-joyful- everything-is-grand version of you?” The funny part is that I just gotten off the phone with a good friend of mine and he told me the same thing. He saw his Facebook memories, wondered what happened to him and missed his old self too.
Great, I may have depression. I’ve been through a short stint of it before, right after daddy died. This time, instead of letting myself stay in my negative bubble, I went back to Pastor Jimmy Evans’ message on Overcoming Sickness. He had spoken about stress and what he said:
“Stress is a self-inflicted wound. The answer to stress is to slow down and do less.”
…is so true! Here’s the thing. I took on too much. Furthermore, I thought I had slowed down, did less and took some time for myself. Well, I guess I haven’t given myself enough downtime because this huge zit on my chin is proof that my stress is out of control. My body was telling me and I didn’t even realize it. Another thing I didn’t realize is that it’s okay to not be okay.
I’m currently working hard to keep myself from falling further down the rabbit hole. So, here’s what I’m working on to fight back this bump I’ve hit (in no particular order):
Talk it out with friends.
I’ve spoken to a few of my friends, but I plan on talking to more of my friends. I also plan on sharing this post on my personal Facebook page to start a conversation, but more importantly, help someone else. Time in God’s word has been so helpful too.
Come up with a game plan and execute.
My friend asked me how he could help keep me accountable so I thought I’d share with you guys too. I’m going to write out a to-do list of my action plan and share it with him. In two weeks, when he calls me, he’s going to ask for my progress on that list. I’m not comfortable in sharing my list here, but I’ll let you know how my conversation with my friend goes.
Find inspiration again.
I love, love, love music and following bloggers/vloggers. For those moments when I don’t “feel it”, I plan to watch my favorite vlogger, Lydia. She’s so fun to watch and changes my mood instantly. I also listen to uplifting, upbeat music (and dance if I feel like it) because motion creates emotion. Another thing I’m doing is accumulating pictures for my vision board so I can’t wait to get started on that again too.
Focus even more so on my health and make it a top priority.
Pastor Evans also said that sickness like stress is from poor diets and lifestyle so I plan on getting really focused on this part of my life, especially the food side of health. If you’re interested, keep an eye out for next Wednesday’s post of my game plan.
It’s okay to not be okay.
I realized that as happy-go-lucky as I am, it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. It’s okay to feel that I’m not okay. If I don’t want to “be on”, I’m not going to post to the blog or my Instagram. I’m just going to be present with myself and take care of me and this is the biggest lesson I’ve learned yet.
The amount of energy it took to write this post felt like the weight of an elephant. However, I’m thankful to have an outlet to express my emotions. Part of me feels like this blog is really saving me. Because of my small corner of the internet, I’m able to express how I feel and truthfully, sometimes I write out my emotions better than saying it. I hope today’s raw and most real-time post I’ve ever written helps you.
If you’re going through some tough times, hang in there. Talk to your loved ones, make a plan, take action on it, stay inspired and be aware of the state of your health.
Most importantly, remember that it’s okay to not be okay.